The Messiah

Preacher has definitely lost whatever he had still left of “politically correct”, so don’t read ahead if you get easily offended. In Dirty Little Secrets, we learn The Grail‘s most guarded trump card: before crucifixion, Jesus Christ had had an affair with a woman and fathered a child, a baby that the apostle Thaddeus took along to protect Jesus’ lineage until the end of times. Unfortunately, centuries of inbreeding to maintain the bloodline pure had obvious side effects, and the actual Messiah, called Humperdoo from the weird noises he constantly makes, he’s a dimwitted idiot. Needless to say, this sort of Messiah is a disappointment for both Jesse Custer, who’s looking for answers, and for Herr Starr, who worships order, and who now sees in Custer a suitable replacement for the retarded “Savior”. In the comics, Grail’s Messiah is just as blasphemous as he is in the show, but his origins are a little bit different, disrespecting even more Christian traditions. Let’s see together.

Only a selected few people on Earth know the real story of Jesus Christ: he was indeed the son of God, but he never died on the cross. His loyal disciples gave him a powerful drug that made him seem dead, only to free him from his sepulcher afterwards. As soon as he was free from Romans and Pharisees, Jesus escaped from Jerusalem and got married with Mary, he had children, and he got killed in a stupid accident with a cart. His mystic semen, however, couldn’t be wasted, and the small group of followers who knew about the truth, the same ones who had started the legend about Jesus’ resurrection and ascension to Heaven, decided to guard the godly bloodline, preserving the Messiah for the end of times. This group took care of Jesus’ children and forced them to mate with one another, to make sure that the divine blood wasn’t tainted. This group grew in number and influence until it became The Grail, the world’s most powerful secret association, Centuries after centuries, however, the forced inbreeding led the new descendants to be more and more mentally challenged, with only the mystic properties of their lineage allowing them to be actually able to reproduce themselves. Finally, with God going missing and the end of times approaching, it was time the “true” Messiah was born. The last two descendants of Christ, brother and sister (and husband and wife), gave birth to a male son; coincidentally, neither of them survived the experience, as the male accidentally killed himself in rage as his wife/sister was taken away from him for giving birth to the baby, while the female one was killed during deliverance. It looked like destiny wanted the child to be the last one of his holy lineage, in a way fulfilling The Grail’s prophecy.

The boy born from this relation was a constantly happy, irredeemably idiotic young man, a mentally damaged puppet controlled and taken care of by The Grail’s leader, Allfather D’Aronique. The boy was as far from the prophecy (and from every possible meaning of the word “Messiah”) as he could be, he urinated everywhere, he ended all his sentences with the no-sense catchword “Humperdidoo“. Despite this, D’Aronique kept including him in the Grail’s ultimate plan: to orchestrate a nuclear war by the year 2000 and to present the Messiah to the world as a new savior to follow, only to use him as a convenient puppet and to rule in his stead from behind the curtains, a goal that would have been within reach even with a retarded Messiah such as the one at Grail’s disposal. Despite his obvious appearance and behavior, however, the Messiah was revered as a true savior by many members of The Grail, whose blind faith made them overlook the blatant flaws of the one they were following; some others, on the other hand, weren’t so ready to accept such a guidance. One of the latter was Herr Starr, Grail’s Sacred Executioner, a brilliant and ruthless man who wanted to replace the retarded Messiah with a one fitter to rule, specifically Jesse Custer, an American preacher who had been given the power of the Voice of Command. The unaware Messiah was caught in a struggle for power that saw Herr Starr oppose D’Aronique for the control of the Grail, and that saw the intervention of many unwanted and unforeseen forces such as the unstoppable Saint of Killers. Eventually, Starr and D’Aronique clashed one last time in Masada, on a helicopter, while the poor Messiah was bouncing along in the desert beneath them. When Starr threw the obese D’Aronique off the chopper, the boy found himself right under him, and he was squashed like a bug by the massive Allfather. So much for the divine bloodline.

The Messiah is a pure and innocent young man, whose purity and innocence is preserved and allowed by total stupidity. Centuries of inbreeding made him an ugly and mentally challenged dimwit, far from whatever people were expecting from the world’s savior. Being the pure descendant of Jesus, he actually possesses some divine powers, but apart from precognition he never showed any, mostly due to his less than limited intellect. A genetic abomination brought to life only to act as a standee for the true people in power, the Messiah is completely unaware of what’s happening around him… and that’s probably the reason he’s the happiest person in the world.


  1. Pingback: Hoover | Who's Who

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s